Hi. My name’s Jim and I love Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I do. How can you drink Budweiser? Really? Drinking that stuff is like French-kissing my father. Why not choose to have delicious candy in your mouth? It’s the only way to get drunk. Really. It has the same amount of alcohol as a regular bottle of beer but it has the added bonus of a sugar high. That excitement. So, not only are you getting drunk, but you are EXCITED about getting drunk. The part I miss the most about drinking was when I was 16 and I had to sneak the stuff. Remember that? Making sure your parents didn’t find out, going to the woods with your friends, coming back home, sneaking around. When I drink Mike’s Hard, it’s that same feeling ALL over again. I have to sneak the stuff. I don’t want anyone to find out. I’m 16 again! When I go to a party, I get a can of Coors Light, go up to the bathroom, pour that shit down the sink, take the M.H.L. out of my back pocket, pour that stuff in and go back downstairs to the party with my little secret! AND every time I’m done drinking a can I have to go brush my tongue so nobody sees the stain! It’s invigorating. (BEAT) And look at all you guys. I am at a 12-Step-Program for a bunch of dudes who are addicted to Budweiser – Jack Daniels – Jägermeister? What are you doing to yourselves? I don’t have a problem. I drink a delicious, adult, candy beverage. Because it tastes good. They don’t have a 12-Step-Program for toffee or fondue? Fuck you guys. I’m out of here. YOU have the problem.

by Vance Julian Barber, @VanceJBarber, vancejulianbarber.com